my syncopated saffy

crave to be soothed: “This isn’t a time for big ambitions or perplexing theories, we’re retrenching and can be cheered by nothing larger than a small walk around the park or the sight of a vase of pretty spring flowers. The normal horizons and ambitions have fallen away, we’re taking it a day – or a few hours – at a time”

goodbye 2020

The defining quote of November: If you wake up in a puddle and smell pee, your water did not break. When I first heard this, I considered it highly unlikely but nevertheless searched for incontinence underwear. Thank goodness for Amazon Prime because I immediately gained twenty pounds of (probably water) weight and bodily functions became a bit of a struggle

The defining thought of December: What’s the point of being hyper efficient with regard to things that don’t really matter and creating unnecessary tension in relationships, what matters most? When we went to lactation clinic to discuss supplementing with formula (and Zo pooped on the scale and the nurse had to engage another nurse to help clean up the explosion), I overheard comments on latching and felt thankful that this was not an issue we encountered. Four weeks later, Zo has developed an elaborate pooping dance and seems to be occupied with this dance every (okay every other) time I try to feed. After yet another thirty minute wrestle, I made an executive decision: I will pump and he will bottle feed. And this is just fine because maximizing breast feeding is not what matters most

– – –

Dear Therapist: because when she is fixated on perfection, you start to feel that her love and acceptance are contingent on performance // You might end the letter by explaining that the greatest gift she can give you as a parent is the freedom to be who you are

It is possible that Zo turns out to be more ENTJ than I am but if I had to guess, the defining challenge of our relationship will be my ability to suspend judgment. This is something I have contemplated over and over again. Do I sit with silence? Do I fake it till I make it (e.g. you are doing great)? Only time will tell but right now I am inspired by these six words

“College athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: I love to watch you play”

p.s. he took this lovely picture and not overly concerned that tummy time turned into nap time